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Intention for this week V.5

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Last week, I finally had a medical procedure that was scheduled over a month ago. I’ve never had a lumbar puncture before, but it was necessary in order to gather more evidence on a possible diagnosis. I won’t go into what the diagnosis may be in this post. I will say that the procedure went smoothly and I was impressed with how well the staff took care of me.

Unfiltered selfie before they rolled me away for the procedure on 3/16/2023

My husband, Bryan, accompanied me because I couldn’t drive home. I was put under mild sedation and local anesthesia. I was aware of what was going on. The radiologist inserted a needle in my spine, in the lower back area, to extract a small sample of spinal fluid. I was very surprised by how clear the spinal fluid was – it was as clear as water.

I made peace with this health condition last month. I had an MRI done at the end of January, and a week later, the doctor called me to tell me the findings. I was initially stunned, but I had been having some long-standing health symptoms that I put on the back burner of my mind for years except for the stuttering I acquired after the hysterectomy last January. I’ve researched the condition to the NTH degree all of February and some of March. It was the stuttering that reopened this door, although I’ve never stuttered prior to the hysterectomy.

I stayed in bed the rest of the day following the procedure….Bryan made sure of it. He lay in the rocking chair watching me nap and, at times, napping himself. I even called in from work the next day also to take in more rest, so I had nice a long weekend. My back has been sore but manageable.

On Saturday morning, I wanted to participate in the neighborhood garage sale, so I prepped my little spider plant babies I had been nursing for 6+ months. I was also selling some of my cute clothes and shoes.

My spider babies getting ready for a new home. I sold the red cardinals but still have the squirrels. They will make great gifts.

On Sunday, I took some of my homemade chicken noodle soup, garlic bread, and chocolate chip cookies to a sick coworker who lives near me. I also gave her a spider baby.

It is true that giving to others is a gift to yourself because it allows you to take the focus off of you and your problems. It fills you up with joy. Whatever happens, I’ll be ok for many reasons, including a supportive husband and family and quality healthcare.

Intention for the week ahead: May I not take things personally. May I not act defensively. May I be present in the moment more often than not. May I be patient and kind. May I remember who I am in the heat of moments that try to test me. May I indulge in a bubble bath or two.
A little posing after church on Sunday, 3/19/2023
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Weekly re-cap and intention

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As I reflect on my intentions from last week, I can see I did accomplish a lot. I even wrote two journal entries on what I was able to accomplish on those days. I exercised for 6 days, meditated 5, ate mostly healthy plant-based meals, prayed daily, fasted as planned one day, and crossed many tasks off my to-do lists. Because we had a short work week due to President’s day, the remainder of the week was hectic.

Thankfully, Friday ended with a celebration for my daughter, Elise, at the African-American Heritage ceremony. Bryan and I attended her event as proud parents and we went to dinner afterward for some family time. Her brother, Caleb, had to work.

Bryan, Elise, and I on 2/24/2023 at the AISD Performimg Arts Center after the ceremony.

What I struggled with was not taking things so seriously. I had a couple of tense meetings which impacted my stress levels and mood. I did remain confident and calm in the moment. I was so glad when my therapist called to check-in and schedule our next meeting. Her call was at the right time. Her soothing and reassuring voice is what I needed at that moment.

Saturday after monthly brunch with some friends. I was tired from the lack of sleep the night before, but I wasn’t going to miss this. The food was decadent, but the company was even better.

I spent the weekend taking care of me and my home (to a lesser degree than normal). I also had more bonding time with my family at church on Sunday and afterward for some breakfast and shopping.

This is the last week in February already. I strive to be my best self every day so my intentions for this week will build off the last and target some of where I perceived I fell short. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not aiming for perfection. 

Intention for the week ahead (building from last week): May I spend more time in the moment rather than in the past or future. May I find a reason to laugh every single day. May I slow down and take deep nourishing breaths often. May I remember to smile more than frown. May I spoil my body with the gift of rest and sleep every night. And lastly from my therapist, may I focus and hold closely to the most important things/people in my life.

What are your intentions for the week?

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Flourish Part I

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I’ve become quite a plant enthusiast. I’ve loved tending to plants and flowers for years and since we’ve been in our new home, my love has amplified as evidenced by my more than 70+ plants inside and outside the home. I’ve lost count of how many, especially after I started propagating (starting new plants from existing plants).

My one Spider Queen has become so luscious since I brought her home and potted her in the cobalt blue ceramic pot. Buying plants can be an expensive habit until I learned I can produce more of my own. I’m weening over 20 spider baby plants from her.
More spider babies and one spider grandbaby. All of my outdoor plants took a beating from the heat in 2022.
Spider 🕷 babies in my office window for the winter.

I enjoy surrounding myself with beauty. My birth sign is a Taurus after all, which is an earth sign and we tend to love beautiful, grounded, and natural surroundings and luxuries. I call myself a Plant Mom (also the Plant Lady) because truly caring for plants entails regularly watering, feeding, pruning, potting and repotting, learning their temperaments, and adjusting based on their preferences. I don’t mind moving my plants around to ensure they’re getting what they need: bright light, low light, humidity, outdoor air, less draft, etc.

My tropical plants are thriving.
This same Monstera from the previous photos is so happy. She loves to show me how happy she is. I had to move her siblings elsewhere because she demanded all the space.

Tending to my plants and witnessing their growth is so rewarding. It’s also a meditative practice that calms me down during my day. It is a practice of patience, nurture, and care.

My lucky bamboo is magnificent. She has a new pot and home away from the window.

Every room in our home has plants except for my kids’ rooms. They don’t care much about plants, surprise surprise! Plants not only improve air quality, but they also bring a sense of peace and calmness to our home.

Gorgeous orchids in my bathroom. These new blooms will last for 6-8 weeks once fully bloomed. Cannoli caught taking a sip of my bath water. My baths are always luxurious.

I’ve brought plants back to life from the brink of death.

After 2021/2022’s winter, this plant baby was down to one leaf. I didn’t bring her in from the cold soon enough. I almost lost hope, but I was patient. She does better in a shaded area outside in the warmer months. As soon as it got warmer in spring 2022, I let her out and look at how beautiful she is. Now she is in a sunny window indoors until it gets warmer again.

Despite whatever is going on in the world, I want to flourish in 2023 just like my beautiful plants. Tending to them is tending to myself- nurturing, pruning, and loving. 🪴

Here’s to doing and being surrounded by more of what I love in 2023! I hope the same for you.

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Bloganuary Day 23: What’s a lie I tell myself?

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There are actually two lies I tell myself: 1) I have no control and 2) I can’t do something. These two lies cause lots of unhealthy anxiety in my life. Undergoing therapy helps me to dispell these lies, but the mind is tricky, and it’s an ongoing process.

Intellectually and spiritually, I know I’m equipped to handle many things. God has equipped me. I’m resilient as a result of the trauma I’ve experienced and the things I’ve achieved despite the trauma. However, my amygdala (primitive part of the brain) doesn’t always want me to forget the trauma. I get triggered, anxious, and fearful over things sometimes. Sometimes I know the triggers and sometimes I don’t.

I recommend the book ‘Rewire Your Anxious Brain’ by Catherine M. Patterson and Elizabeth M. Karle. My therapist mentioned it one session, and I bought and read the book.

The best investment I’ve made is participating in therapy, and it’s been almost 2 years. My therapist loves giving me homework, aka self-work, and much of that self-work helps me to tackle these lies.

I’m kidding when I say she loves to give it, but the fact is she can’t do the work for me. I can talk to her for years because she validates me and is pleasant to talk to, but if I don’t do the hard work of changing my patterns and thoughts that don’t serve me and practicing and incorporating what I’ve learned into my life, then what’s the point?

If you read the book I mentioned, then you’ll understand this self-work is helping me retrain the thoughts in my amygdala and cortex. In reality, the amygdala can’t really be retrained because it holds our oldest, deepest memories/thoughts, but we can introduce new patterns that change how the amygdala reacts.

I know it’s not rational to think these two lies, so one way I combat them is to state my personal POWER STATEMENTS from time to time as often as needed. Here are a few:

  1. I can do this!
  2. This too shall pass!
  3. I do have control!
  4. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made!

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What fear have I conquered?

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I’ve proudly conquered many fears in my life. One fear that comes to mind is the fear of talking to people. When I was younger, I was so crippled with anxiety and fear of what other people thought of me. It mostly had to do with my upbringing and people not understanding my introversion. I was so frustrated with life that there was a period in my preteen years where I became withdrawn.

While dating Bryan in my early twenties, he took me out dancing one night and commented that I was afraid of people. He was so right. I didn’t think I was worthy and cared too much of what other people thought of me. But I vowed to conquer this fear because I wanted more for myself, and I didn’t want that to dampen our relationship.

From that point, my daily life became an experiment where I would practice not being afraid. I spoke up more openly and expressed my opinions. If I recognized someone in a store or wherever, I would approach them first. In Chicago, I commuted mostly by walking and public transportation. I decided to walk with my head up and give eye contact (but not too much). None of this was comfortable at first, but I carried through with my decision.

With time, I became less afraid to talk to people, and I didn’t let any fears of what they might think of me affect what I did with my life or what I thought about myself.

Now, at my age, it’s true you don’t care too much about what other people think. I do care about what the people who mean the most to me think, but that’s only for certain things. I’m not afraid of people anymore and have learned we all have our own stuff we’re working through. It’s best not to take things personally. Most people are not thinking that hard about you.

I’ve blossomed into a self-assured, confident woman whom I am proud of.

Bloganuary: Day 15 prompt

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End of an era

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This, my friends, is the end of an era. The year 2022 marks the last full year of me being in my forties. In 2023, I will officially turn fifty and I’ve been preparing for it.

I’m optimistic about living my best life in my fifties. Sometimes, you need to evaluate the past to put yourself on the path to a better future. For work, at the close of some projects, we facilitate a “lessons learned” debriefing to discuss the activities of the project such as what worked and what didn’t work.

Similarly, I’ve been reflecting on my forties, and based on light lessons I’ve learned, there were thoughts, actions, beliefs, etc., that served me well during that time and some that did not. I’ve been facilitating a personal debriefing in order to set myself up for a healthy and prosperous decade in my fifties.

My current forty nine year old self has thought about some nuggets of wisdom I’d tell my forty year old self if I could go back in time. They are in no particular order, though I think the first one set the tone for my thirties and early forties. See if you can relate to any of these.

  1. You’ve proved you can accomplish things many people could not. You don’t need to prove you are worthy. God made you worthy. In fact, you don’t need to prove anything else to anyone.
  2. You are great. Own it.
  3. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Practice self-compassion daily.
  4. You were right about certain people and situations. Don’t feel bad for your accurate perception.
  5. You’re a good parent. You’re a positive example for your kids.Your kids are kind and good people. They are resilient. They have aspirations of their own for a better life.
  6. Your kids will be going through different phases, so your parenting style will need to adjust accordingly. Though it can be frustrating, painful, and sad for you sometimes, you will experience the joy of watching their unique characteristics unfold.
  7. Don’t work to the point of becoming numb because then you won’t have much left for yourself and family.
  8. You’re going to have major health challenges, and the exercising and eating you are doing right now will serve you well for your physical, mental, and emotional health.
  9. Your mummy will pass away soon, and you will keep her close by exemplifying the positive things she taught you, sharing with others, and passing them on to your kids.
  10. Grieving is not just for loved ones who are deceased, but you will also grieve some relationships, phases of your marriage, phases of your kids’ development, and things that no longer serve you.
  11. Life will get harder at certain points, but you are resilient. You will get through it.
  12. Get a handle on your spending so you can save more for the future and have more money for fun experiences.
  13. Don’t be so agreeable.
  14. Pay attention and care for the people who do so for you. Don’t be consumed about the few people who don’t show up for you consistently or at all.
  15. Instead of asking God to “use you” and subsequently burn yourself out, ask God to place you in healthy environments where you can grow and make positive impacts.
  16. Being a workaholic is toxic.
  17. Travel more, locally and beyond.
  18. You will travel a lot in Texas, meet many people, and learn more about Texas than you know about your home state of Illinois.
  19. Despite political affiliation, people are people.
  20. Stay ready because opportunities are coming.
  21. You have more control than you think.
  22. Speak up more on things that are unacceptable.
  23. Sometimes, people don’t understand you, and that doesn’t make you wrong.
  24. Seek a therapist sooner rather than later.
  25. You are beautiful inside and out. You always have been, and you will continue to be.

For the milestone years like forty and fifty, I notice many women on social media want to show they are their sexiest and most beautiful selves. I may have subscribed to that a bit when I approached forty, but I have different plans for my fifties, not to throw shade on anyone.

In my fifties, I plan to continue evolving into the best version of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I want to be an all-around better human. It’s true – the older and wiser you get, the less you care about what others think, and you get more comfortable in your own skin. I want more of this too.

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Silver Fox Anniversary

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In September, Bryan and I celebrated a HUGE milestone – 25 years of marriage. Neither of us “feel like” it’s been that long, so we believe that’s a good sign. Unfortunately, my mother in law passed away a few days before our anniversary, so we didn’t get to celebrate as we had hoped. However, I’ve spent some time reflecting on how grateful I am for our union. To have a life partner who you love and respect and who is your rock is a beautiful thing. After all these years, I still get excited to hear his voice and I nearly swooned when he recently told me I’m his soul mate.

Marriage is an incredible amount of inner and outer work.

In honor of our silver anniversary, in this post I will share 25 nuggets I’ve learned about marriage, of which I wrote in my journal. These nuggets are meant to be short and real. This is not an exhaustive list. This list isn’t in any particular order. I didn’t identify these particular nuggets to boast about how we’ve mastered them. Marriage is a lot of work and there are nuggets we’re actively working on. I may expand on some of these nuggets in future posts.

  1. Discuss, plan, and execute the vision of your lives together. Revisit as often as necessary.
  2. You make the commitment to be married daily, not just on the wedding day.
  3. You choose to love every day, every minute.
  4. You must be intentional about your actions.
  5. You must apologize as often as necessary.
  6. You must decide if you want to be right or want peace.
  7. Compromise, compromise, compromise.
  8. Sex keeps you connected.
  9. See things from your partner’s perspective sometimes.
  10. Hold each other accountable, but extend grace often.
  11. Seek to understand, not to be right.
  12. Each person will change and evolve over time, over and again, but the core of who you fell in love with is still there.
  13. Celebrate all the wins, big and small.
  14. Don’t take each other for granted.
  15. Even in seasons where small children (or children with disabilities) take priority, nurture your marriage.
  16. Your are each other’s best friend.
  17. Do simple and kind gestures to show your partner you care. Learn their love language.
  18. Plan and review finances together.
  19. Accept your partner for who they are.
  20. Discuss marital problems only with each other, a therapist, and/or your pastor.
  21. Speak highly of your partner to others.
  22. Pray for your marriage.
  23. Pray for your sex life.
  24. Make time for sex.
  25. Make time to spend time together.

What did I miss? I’m sure a lot. The thing about this list is that we may have mastered some nuggets at certain points in our lives, but may need to work on them again in another circumstance. As a gardener, I see marriage as a constant tending to, refining, fertilizing, and pruning. Life is not linear and perfect. It’s messy, unscripted, painful, joyful, and all consuming. At least mine is. Until next time.

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What therapy is teaching me

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It took me a few minutes to realize the inevitable as I lay in bed moist and warm from my hormones being out of control. I tossed and turned as the thoughts started flooding my mind. I finally glanced at my watch to see it was about 4:00 am. “Why am I up?” “You know you’re awake so you might as well get up.” “Why don’t you read a book so you can get sleepy again?” “What should I do now?” “What was my homework assignment again?” “You know what??? I should write a blog post!”

So here I am, up early in the morning wanting to share my epiphanies from the last few months. I’ve been consistently inconsistent with writing my blog posts. This is where I am in life right now and that’s okay. I always have a story or lesson to share. Capturing them in a blog post has been challenging because I only have so much time in a day. In fact, this is true for all of us. I’ve chosen to prioritize other things but always return to blogging because it’s a form of self-care for me. And whoever reads this, gets to ride with me on this journey.

Shortly after we moved into our new home earlier this year, I decided it was time to revisit what I had been putting off for a while. Also, a conversation I had with my nephew helped me to move forward with the decision, which was to seek therapy. This big wonderful thing happened in my life – a new house, new surroundings, and new beginnings. However, there were some personal challenges I’ve been wanting to work on related to my relationships, career, and health. On top of that, I was also realizing the toll the pandemic was taking on me. The move encouraged me to do other things to improve the quality of my life. This was the perfect time because my life wasn’t in crisis mode and things were settling down.

I work in the mental health field and understand the benefits of therapy. It’s not a stigma to me but mental health is still a stigma for many. However, I think the tides are changing. More people have access to and are seeking the mental health help they need. I see signs that therapy is being normalized. Some of my young adult family members have or are participating in therapy. I mentioned my nephew earlier who is very open about it. He also encouraged me to consider a therapist who would understand the unique cultural and racial challenges brown skinned people face.

I decided to take the steps to find a therapist. It took me a few weeks to find someone I was interested in through the Therapy for Black Girls website. I was able to peruse the websites and information for the different therapists in my state. It was important for me to work with a woman, slightly older than myself. I contacted her, we connected, and the rest is history.

It’s been 4 months now since I’ve been in therapy and it’s one of the best investments in myself I’ve made. I attend bimonthly sessions. Here are just a few thoughts on what therapy is teaching me about myself:

  1. I need to constantly work on boundaries – setting them, refining them, reinforcing them, and communicating them. I used to pride myself on setting boundaries. This is how I’ve established and maintained a place of peace since my early twenties. I have boundaries that are firmly planted; however, over time, I’ve allowed people and circumstances to erode some of them. I’m back to setting, refining, and reinforcing boundaries because they keep me safe and in check. They also teach others how to treat me.
  2. I had no idea how to demonstrate self-compassion. It was a foreign concept to me but I’m learning. I was not taught to show compassion for myself. I’m an overachieving, recovering perfectionist, constantly on the prowl to do better/be better, and to do things/do things for others, but what about self-compassion? And self-compassion is different from self-care. Self-compassion means I don’t mentally beat myself up because I can’t figure out how to relate to someone close to me. It means I don’t keep pushing myself when I know I’m tired. There is so much more to this.
  3. Validation is so important. I’m in a leadership position at work and it’s true that it can be lonely at the top. My workload is heavy and I don’t have the capacity to meet with my peers on a regular basis. Not only that, I’m not always sure who I can trust at work. Having the outlet from my therapist to be able to express my thoughts and be validated has been very helpful to me. Also, the validation helps in my personal life too because I don’t want to burden family (and they probably won’t understand anyway) with the particular challenges my husband and I experience with our health issues.
  4. It’s OK to retrain your habits and thoughts; in fact, it’s necessary if you want to change. A lot of what I’m working on is retraining habits I picked up over time and building new ones. Is it frustrating? YES! Is it hard? YES! Is it worth it? YES!

What I’ve shared are the biggest relatable lessons but there are many other things I’m learning about myself. If you’re interested in pursuing therapy, I hope you move forward with it. Really consider who you would want to work with, how much it will cost and is it within your budget, and your availability to attend regular sessions.

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That green thumb

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I’m not sure when I realized I had a green thumb but I knew it was something special having tended to an Aloe Vera plant older than my ‘soon to be’ 16-year old daughter. My green thumb has been greener than usual lately since we’ve moved into our new house. I have plants and flowers everywhere. I don’t want to live without them. It takes me some time to water them all every 2 weeks, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This post is dedicated to my greenery.

Hydrangeas have become my new favorite flower. I don’t know why I didn’t notice them before now. They’re absolutely beautiful on my dining room table.
Small plants in my bathroom so I can have a Zen experience: ZZ plant, African Violet, succulent, baby orchid, bromlead, & another one not in the picture. I also found a painting of hydrangeas I couldn’t pass up.
I love these plants. I only remember the Fiddly Fig’s name in the black pot. The others are tropical.
Not only is our home cat friendly (hence the cat trees and toys in the background), it’s plant friendly too. My Pothos plants LOVE it in this house because of all the light. They’ve been growing so well. I’ve never seen the leaves so healthy.
Snake plants 🪴add pizzazz.
It’s been years since I’ve had my own African Violets. The kitchen window is the perfect place for them. My lucky Bamboo seems to like this window also.
There is no way I wouldn’t have a little plant collection in my home office. So cute.
In June, I returned to the office 2 days a week. We moved to a new office space & I’m thrilled to have an office with windows so my plants can thrive. My daughter painted the bird in between the 2 plants when she was itty bitty. I think it’s supposed to be a turkey.
It was important for me to display plants throughout my home, especially the entrance because I love them so much. This table is right outside my daughter’s bedroom.
Beautiful Succulent in my home office.
I can’t take credit for this lovely sunflower. My daughter has been doing all the work on this one. She planted them from seeds and watered them daily. I think she had at least 6 blooms from this batch.

I’ve since added plants to our back patio. I’ll share another time. In the mean time, what’s your favorite plant/flower?

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Nobody’s gonna save you

Today is Day 24 of drinking my delicious green smoothies. I’m RAWKING my health goals! It dawned on me these last few weeks, as I’ve been organizing my personal affairs, that there are some things I’m letting go of effective immediately. I don’t want to spend another day in 2020 disillusioned, believing:

  • Someone else will save me.
  • Someone else will fix it.
  • Someone else will take care of me.
  • Someone else knows what’s best for me.

No, no, no! The sooner you come to the realization that nobody’s gonna save you, the better off you’ll be. You’re it. It’s you and God. With God, He’s more than enough.

What beliefs do you need to let go of in 2020?