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Gratitude 

I’ve had a wonderful time enjoying my Thanksgiving holiday being in the house with my family. For an introvert like me, it has been a slice of heaven. I’ve read, slept, cooked, and watched mind-numbing t.v. My children might feel otherwise. Unbeknownst to them, I’ve been soaking up their chatter, laughter and conversation. I didn’t host anyone for dinner this year, which hasn’t been the case for a long time.  It was just us and that was plenty. 

I’ve read countless articles on the benefits of being grateful and of expressing gratefulness  and I absolutely agree. I’ve also read passages on being grateful for all experiences, good and bad. In the past year, I’ve experienced so much (breast cancer, mom’s death, husband’s health struggles, son’s struggles in school) and I’m still here to tell you about it. I have 2 healthy children and a husband who loves me.  I’m healthy. I have the support of my family and friends. I have a job with health insurance. I have peace of mind and contentment. I can go on, however, I want to point out that wish I could turn that grateful button on when I’m in the midst of a gut-wrenching problem or one of my self-inflicted ruminating tirades. 

For me, it takes work to be grateful. In case you are one of those people rolling your eyes at what I just typed, hear me out. I believe being grateful and expressing gratitude is a practice. I have an awareness that there are some mental deficiencies in me that trigger self-sabotage and other unpleasant outcomes if I don’t keep them in check. I constantly have internal conversations with myself to lighten the atmosphere in my mind because I can “go there”.  Inevitably, no matter what perceived turmoil I’m experiencing, eventually things settle down and I can see the whole picture for what it is. 

If it takes work for you to be grateful in the midst of challenging times, don’t despair. I suspect I’m not alone. Be persistent with your positive self-talk. Surround yourself with the things and people that bring you joy and remind you why you’re grateful. Spend time alone. Let go of things you can’t control. Read books and articles on gratitude. Pray. Repeat…

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Goodbye, So So, my Haitian queen

Yesterday, I received the dreaded call that no one ever wants.  My sister was on the other end of the line. She sounded calm, and for a moment, I was relieved. However, her next few words pierced me to the core, “Mummy, passed away this morning”.  It took me a few seconds to process. I heard her voice quiver. We exchanged a few more words of which I can’t remember and she reassured me of something.  I told her I’d call her back. I walked to the group of ladies from my Zumba class who were talking. I  tapped on Mary’s shoulder and muttered the words, “I just found out that my mom passed away”.  I cried hard and loud as they embraced me for what felt like forever and I’ve been sobbing intermittently every since.

Albeit painful, I made peace on Friday that mummy might not make it through the night based on my sister’s report from the doctor.  They were transitioning mummy to hospice care. This is painful to write and I stopped a few times due to the uncontrollable tears. My husband told me that I should stop and that it’s too soon, but I must because writing for me is therapeutic. When I woke up Saturday morning without hearing new updates, I decided to go about my normal routine of  going to Zumba class and then the grocery store. I’m so thankful that I was in the company of my Zumba-loving prayer warriors because they consoled and prayed for me.

Words can’t truly express the sorrow I am feeling right now. However, despite the sorrow, I am overwhelmingly thankful Solange (SoSo) Nicholas was my mother. I’m thankful that I saw her beautiful smile in person last month. I’m thankful that I hugged and kissed her.  I’m thankful that my sisters and brother made sure mummy was not alone while she was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. I’m thankful that my sisters made efforts to shield me from what they were experiencing while watching mummy suffer. I’m thankful my sister put her phone to mummy’s ear so mummy could hear me tell her that I loved her.  She told me that mummy’s eyes got bigger indicating she heard me.  I’m thankful that mummy is no longer in pain and that she can finally rest in peace. I’m thankful that mummy gave us her best. I’m thankful that she saw me beat breast cancer and came to Texas to be with me for my surgeries. I’m thankful that she always thought of us first. She even made and paid for her funeral and burial arrangements, so we wouldn’t have to worry. I’m thankful that I had a loving mother because not everyone has a loving mother.

SoSo, you did a valient job raising your 4 children…only if you knew it while you were alive. However, maybe you did because I spotted the look of contentment on your face when all of your children were together last month. You were always so humble and generous.  You came to Texas to visit your baby, the youngest (me), any time you could. You’ve been here, by far, more than anyone else.  You’ve been there for me, by far, more than anyone else. I can only aspire to be like you. BRAVO, my Haitian queen!

I have no more words…for now.

 

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Gratitude

This is the time of year for giving thanks, so it’s no surprise that I’m about to lay out exactly what I’m thankful for in this post. Before I do, I will point out that practicing gratitude on a daily basis is something I’ve aspired to do over the years.  At one time (the impetus is fuzzy, but I suspect upon reading an article in a magazine on the benefits of expressing gratitude), I arranged for each of my kids and my husband to have their own gratitude journal. I personalized each journal with their name followed by a heart ♡ that I drew myself. The plan was for us to write or draw what we were grateful when the urge hit. 

Looking back, that was my attempt to instill the process of journaling in my kids. To my chagrin (I may be exaggerating), I don’t know what happened to those journals. I was just kidding myself thinking my husband would do it, but for a time I think he used it to write his notes from church. I’m not even sure where mine is, but I’ve had so many journals over the years it’s likely somewhere. My daughter loves paper, notebooks, and journals, and she never really learned to use the whole book before starting a new one. I don’t take responsibility for that because I’ve harped on this many times. (I probably should not have bought so many supplies at once or maybe I could have hid the extras, but that’s neither here nor there for this post.) Whatever the case, I gave up. Occasionally, a journal that’s been missing/forgotten would pop up in a corner after months. That’s the case with these gratitude journals. I vaguely remember a few months ago that one popped up somewhere in the house. I thought to myself, “Oh look. I remember you”, and kept on walking. 

In the world we live in today, there is so much competition, so many choices, and so many opinions. I get frustrated sometimes with simply reading the comments section on social media posts because many opinions are rude, mean, and thoughtless.  There are also many pleasant, thought provoking, and affirming comments, but I hate it when I get blind sighted by a mean, rude, thoughtless one. It does give indication of how people across the world think, even if folks are hiding behind a different persona than when not on social media.  All of this can be overwhelming to navigate, making it difficult to hear our own voices. Perhaps these are only my perceptions, but I suspect that if I’m feeling it, someone else is too because I’m not that unique.

When I write posts, although I may not indicate it, I often research definitions to ensure that I’m using words accurately even though this blog is a reflection of my thoughts. I did a quick superficial search to compare the definitions of gratitude and thankful and they are generally synonymous. A very slight difference is that the definition of the word gratitude includes the word “expression” (i.e., expression of gratitude).  Thankful is described as a “state of being” (i.e., of being grateful/pleased). Both can be used as an expression and both can be used as a state of being. Feel free to research these nuances on your own, but I’ve used them synonymously in this post. 

It is so important to be grateful for the little things as much as we are grateful for the big ones. This year, I’ve been living more in the present than ever before. Here’s a short list of what I’m thankful for:

  1. God bestowing His love and favor on me
  2. Waking up
  3. The love and support from family, friends, and all my social connections (church, fitness)
  4. My mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical (actively working on the breast cancer) health
  5. That I can purchase and cook nutritious food that tastes good for my family…like the homemade sweet potato pie I made shown in the picture 😉
  6. Our cozy home
  7. Creating memories with my loved ones
  8. My little, furry nuggets of love (i.e., my 2 kittens and cat)
  9. That I am a compassionate person and chose a career in social work that serves people that are marginalized, poor, and often unseen/forgotten
  10. Doctors, nurses, and other medical and health professionals that truly care about what they do
  11. The wealth of information that is available and accessible
  12. Living in the USA

Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope that you get to spend your day expressing gratitude to those that you love and to those who don’t have a place to go.