fear

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What fear have I conquered?

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I’ve proudly conquered many fears in my life. One fear that comes to mind is the fear of talking to people. When I was younger, I was so crippled with anxiety and fear of what other people thought of me. It mostly had to do with my upbringing and people not understanding my introversion. I was so frustrated with life that there was a period in my preteen years where I became withdrawn.

While dating Bryan in my early twenties, he took me out dancing one night and commented that I was afraid of people. He was so right. I didn’t think I was worthy and cared too much of what other people thought of me. But I vowed to conquer this fear because I wanted more for myself, and I didn’t want that to dampen our relationship.

From that point, my daily life became an experiment where I would practice not being afraid. I spoke up more openly and expressed my opinions. If I recognized someone in a store or wherever, I would approach them first. In Chicago, I commuted mostly by walking and public transportation. I decided to walk with my head up and give eye contact (but not too much). None of this was comfortable at first, but I carried through with my decision.

With time, I became less afraid to talk to people, and I didn’t let any fears of what they might think of me affect what I did with my life or what I thought about myself.

Now, at my age, it’s true you don’t care too much about what other people think. I do care about what the people who mean the most to me think, but that’s only for certain things. I’m not afraid of people anymore and have learned we all have our own stuff we’re working through. It’s best not to take things personally. Most people are not thinking that hard about you.

I’ve blossomed into a self-assured, confident woman whom I am proud of.

Bloganuary: Day 15 prompt

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Face your fears Part Deux

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Last week, I wrote a blog post about facing my fears by finally getting my wisdom teeth removed. In case you’re wondering, I’m healing very well. Thank you. Although a significant experience, it proved to be less dramatic than I imagined. This past week, I’ve mulled over the lessons that can be learned from dealing with our fears head on. I found myself recalling my upbringing and experiences.

Fear was a big part of my life growing up. The mindset of fear was imposed on me. My point isn’t I’m a victim, but that fear is powerful. You don’t just unlearn fear. It can creep into your thoughts and seduce you with misinformation without you realizing what’s happening. Fear can cripple your mind. It can make you freeze. And there may be legitimate reasons to be fearful, but I don’t think we are meant to live in a state of fear. It takes a great amount of conscious, hard work to train yourself as an adult to overcome the damaging effects of fear. For some, this work may entail therapy, which is ok.

Fear started in my life before I was born. My parents were born into poverty in Haiti, an island with a tragic history of government corruption and civil unrest. I don’t know much about my grandparents on either side, but they were no doubt born into poverty in Haiti. My father physically and emotionally abused my mother. My siblings witnessed and internalized the abuse. Although I was too young to remember, there is no doubt in my mind that I internalized the atmosphere (terror, shame, secrecy, inadequacy, sadness). I was raised in two different, opposing religions, inundated with strict rules that created fear. My family were immigrants to the United States, and in Haitian culture, there is fear of Haitian children becoming Americanized and abandoning their roots.

Those are the big ticket “fear” items that I contend with…there are more. Each scenario manifests fear differently and in countless ways, but it’s all fear. For example, when I was little, we literally moved around a lot to escape my father. Divorce didn’t stop him from terrorizing my family. He would get on drunken rampages, find out where my mom lived, then would obscenely bang on the door and harrass until eventually my mom found another place to escape. We were fine as long as we kept our distance, but there was the constant fear of him finding out where we were and then what would he do.

I feared people in my Catholic elementary school would find out that my mom was really a Jehovah’s Witness. My uncle’s family thought it best that all of the children attended Catholic school. It’s common in Haiti for children to attend private, parochial schools. I believe my mom’s fear of what could happen to me based on her status as a single, immigrant parent in the United States caused her to make decisions based on loyalty and familiarity. She didn’t have anybody else.

How do I contend with generational fear? I consciously work to break the cycle. Awareness is an important first step. Next steps included learning about who I was through soul searching and education, determining my purpose through prayer, implementing my vision for my life, and living as God had intended for me. I don’t think God wants us to live in fear. I don’t raise my children to live in fear. There is so much GOODNESS and fortune on the other side of fear.

By no means am I completely absolved of fear. It’s a lifelong struggle. Thoughts creep up that I can’t control. However, awareness is still that important first step. Then, I go through a process of determining the source…the reason behind the fear. When I come to an understanding of what the fear is, then I challenge it. I face it. If I’m brave enough, which I usually am, I move towards it. I keep moving towards it until it has no more power.

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Face your fears

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It finally happened. I literally faced my fears and got my 4 wisdom teeth removed on Thursday morning. I’m here to tell you that I not only survived the experience, but I’m healing better than I thought.

The anxiety had been building up since Monday, and before I knew it, it was Wednesday night. I was on this mad dash to make a bunch of green smoothies and healthy snacks since I was in the middle of a vegan cleanse and didn’t want to totally undo my progress. I’ve done this cleanse before, which you can read about here in a blog post I wrote named “Glowed Up”. In “Glowed Up”, I go into more depth about what the cleanse is and what I gained from it.

For my recovery, I knew I could only eat smooth and pureed foods the first week or so. I already had planned to mostly drink my green smoothies and some pureed soups. It hadn’t occurred to me to do an online search on recovery foods until a couple of people at work told me I should plan to be eating ice cream, jello, pudding, and milk shakes. Sure enough, those foods popped up as recommended foods for recovery from wisdom tooth removal. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you my jaw dropped and my eyes grew bigger in disbelief. OH NO NO NO!!! The devil is a LIE because I’m not messing up all the work I’ve done on this cleanse for 11 of 21 days. I was laughed at and told I picked the wrong time for a cleanse. We’ll see about that.

Because I slightly panicked, I did go to the grocery store when I left work and bought some no added sugar organic applesauce, coconut yogurt, and a pudding with the least amount of sugar I could find. I looked at the ingredients in jello and just couldn’t do it. I spent a long time in the ice cream section reading labels and finally landed on some organic fruit popsicles with low added sugar. “I can do this!”

I was up late Wednesday night prepping my green smoothie army and other comforting foods. I made 3 different smoothies, two of each, and I chose kale as the “greens” because of its powerhouse nutrients. A member of my cleanse Facebook group gave me a recipe for avocado mouse. SWEET! I didn’t want to waste my avocados. I pulled out my hand mixer for that one because I wanted an extra creamy texture.

I strained the broth from a zoodles recipe. The reserved broth is full of nutrients from all the vegetables steeped in the liquid. I was looking forward to drinking that one. All in all, I had pretty solid options for healthy eating while recovering from dental surgery. I have yet to eat the applesauce, yogurt, or popsicles. I’ve mostly been eating my green smoothies with a spoon, vegan soups, and some pudding. On Day 2, I had two chicken meatballs my husband made and some mashed potatoes.

Day 1 was the most traumatic, judging from the picture, but it wasn’t even that bad. I took my medications and slept off and on all day. I only used the ice cubes once when I was supposed to do it every hour for the rest of the night. I had soreness and some swelling, but not what I imagined in my mind. One of my sweet cats, Beignet, stayed in the bed with me most of the day and my husband Bryan took care of me by switching out the gauze, getting my medications, and food.

Day 2 was more of the same in the morning, but it turned out to be such a beautiful day, that my husband and I went out to run some errands. We even did a 30 minute walk. My appetite increased throughout the day, but there is only so much I can eat. I did sample some products at Costco (LOVE this place!) like macaroni and cheese and lasagna. The lasagna was a mistake….a little more difficult to swallow. I found a recipe for pureed asparagus cauliflower soup and made that once we got home. I was really tired last night and thought I could get away with taking only 1 of my pain pills, but I was wrong. I ended up taking the other eventually. I could feel the pain building up.

Day 3 is today and I feel a little groggy, but I’m up blogging. I plan to do some dancing and may start on meal prep for next week. I can’t really partake of the snacks from the cleanse because they’re mostly crunchy and chunky. I will make more green smoothies and soups.

Overall, after all the horror stories I’ve heard, and fear built up in my own mind, this experience hasn’t been that bad. Sure, there was the IV, blood in my mouth, and some pain, but with following doctor’s orders, resting, and eating well, I’m getting through it. I do believe my healthy choices in foods are helping me heal faster.

Light lesson: Sometimes, we make FEAR bigger than it actually is, giving it more power. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t put off things because of fear. You could be shaving more time off your life than necessary. You will find yourself asking why you put something off for so long and allowed it to take up so much space in your life.