Month: December 2022

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End of an era

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This, my friends, is the end of an era. The year 2022 marks the last full year of me being in my forties. In 2023, I will officially turn fifty and I’ve been preparing for it.

I’m optimistic about living my best life in my fifties. Sometimes, you need to evaluate the past to put yourself on the path to a better future. For work, at the close of some projects, we facilitate a “lessons learned” debriefing to discuss the activities of the project such as what worked and what didn’t work.

Similarly, I’ve been reflecting on my forties, and based on light lessons I’ve learned, there were thoughts, actions, beliefs, etc., that served me well during that time and some that did not. I’ve been facilitating a personal debriefing in order to set myself up for a healthy and prosperous decade in my fifties.

My current forty nine year old self has thought about some nuggets of wisdom I’d tell my forty year old self if I could go back in time. They are in no particular order, though I think the first one set the tone for my thirties and early forties. See if you can relate to any of these.

  1. You’ve proved you can accomplish things many people could not. You don’t need to prove you are worthy. God made you worthy. In fact, you don’t need to prove anything else to anyone.
  2. You are great. Own it.
  3. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Practice self-compassion daily.
  4. You were right about certain people and situations. Don’t feel bad for your accurate perception.
  5. You’re a good parent. You’re a positive example for your kids.Your kids are kind and good people. They are resilient. They have aspirations of their own for a better life.
  6. Your kids will be going through different phases, so your parenting style will need to adjust accordingly. Though it can be frustrating, painful, and sad for you sometimes, you will experience the joy of watching their unique characteristics unfold.
  7. Don’t work to the point of becoming numb because then you won’t have much left for yourself and family.
  8. You’re going to have major health challenges, and the exercising and eating you are doing right now will serve you well for your physical, mental, and emotional health.
  9. Your mummy will pass away soon, and you will keep her close by exemplifying the positive things she taught you, sharing with others, and passing them on to your kids.
  10. Grieving is not just for loved ones who are deceased, but you will also grieve some relationships, phases of your marriage, phases of your kids’ development, and things that no longer serve you.
  11. Life will get harder at certain points, but you are resilient. You will get through it.
  12. Get a handle on your spending so you can save more for the future and have more money for fun experiences.
  13. Don’t be so agreeable.
  14. Pay attention and care for the people who do so for you. Don’t be consumed about the few people who don’t show up for you consistently or at all.
  15. Instead of asking God to “use you” and subsequently burn yourself out, ask God to place you in healthy environments where you can grow and make positive impacts.
  16. Being a workaholic is toxic.
  17. Travel more, locally and beyond.
  18. You will travel a lot in Texas, meet many people, and learn more about Texas than you know about your home state of Illinois.
  19. Despite political affiliation, people are people.
  20. Stay ready because opportunities are coming.
  21. You have more control than you think.
  22. Speak up more on things that are unacceptable.
  23. Sometimes, people don’t understand you, and that doesn’t make you wrong.
  24. Seek a therapist sooner rather than later.
  25. You are beautiful inside and out. You always have been, and you will continue to be.

For the milestone years like forty and fifty, I notice many women on social media want to show they are their sexiest and most beautiful selves. I may have subscribed to that a bit when I approached forty, but I have different plans for my fifties, not to throw shade on anyone.

In my fifties, I plan to continue evolving into the best version of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I want to be an all-around better human. It’s true – the older and wiser you get, the less you care about what others think, and you get more comfortable in your own skin. I want more of this too.

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Merry Christmas

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I’m taking a moment to send holiday cheer into the world. For my household, Christmas is a time to celebrate Jesus’s birth and to also spend time with family, to let our loved ones know how much they mean to us, to be extra gracious and kind, and to just experience the joy of the season.

We started our day early. My 21-year old son, Caleb, who tries to play it cool with his emotions, woke us up from a deep sleep early in the morning. My husband, Bryan, later told me it was about 5:00 am. He asked if we were ready to open the gifts. We both shouted out, “No, a little later!” We knew he was excited, but we were too sleepy and soon dozed back to sleep.

When I was growing up, we opened Christmas gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve. Bryan’s family opened gifts in the morning, but sometimes they would open one gift at midnight. With our kids, we’ve mostly opened gifts first thing in the morning. I’m usually still wrapping gifts at midnight, but not this time. I had help. I asked my daughter, Elise, to wrap a few of her brother’s gifts. I had gift bags for some of the gifts and wrapped the rest. I completed my wrapping at about 8:00pm on Saturday.

Elise creatively wrapped her brother’s gifts to give him clues what they were.

I spent Christmas 2022 in my pajamas all day. My family is happy with their gifts so I’m happy. We tend to provide extra gifts to our kids since most of our families on both sides live in the Chicago, Illinois area. My heart is especially full because it’s the one time of year where I can get hugs from my kids. We’re not the most “physically expressive with our emotions” family. I’ve grown to be more of a hugger as I’ve gotten older, and as the universe would have it, my kids prefer otherwise.

Not only did Caleb gift me with a beautiful necklace, he reciprocated my hug, and told me he loved me. Elise also reciprocated my big suffocating hug. Perhaps other parents hear the “I love yous” and get hugs from their kids all the time. As my kids have gotten older, they do it much less, which makes it all the more special.

This is the first Christmas without my mother in law. I asked Bryan how he was doing and he said it’s been different. He’s been talking to his mom off and on today. He’s spent the past 2 days talking to family members. I can tell he had a great day. I’ve been communicating with family and friends through phone calls, texts, and social media. I enjoyed the connection, even if for a few minutes.

We’ve had some unusually cold weather in Texas for this time of year, so for the first time in a long time, we didn’t attend the church concert or Christmas Eve service. Thankfully, we didn’t have extreme weather like we did in February 2021, when the power went out and water stopped working for about a week for most people. Some people died which was heart breaking and incomprehensible, especially since I’ve experienced colder winters than that growing up in Chicago. I blogged about my experience in the posts Is This Texas? and Is This Texas Part Deux?

This time with the cold, we had no precipitation which makes it much more bearable. I can deal with cold, but it’s darn near life altering to deal with cold with rain, snow, or ice. It gets too dangerous to drive in the Texas terrain with drivers who do not know how to drive under those conditions. The temperatures were as low as the teens, but it has been steadily increasing. I enjoyed the nostalgia of having a colder Christmas week.

As I sit in my recliner couch typing and watching Bryan reclining on the other couch with his boozy beverage in hand, I can tell you, it’s been a SPLENDID day.

More than anything right now, I want more kindness, grace, and love for us all. It’s not cliché that life is so precious and short. One of my biggest light lessons for 2022 is instead of worrying about losses (such as in relationships, time, health, etc.), I’m paying more attention to the people who make room for me and who love me and the time and health I do have. If I don’t reach a goal as planned, I won’t stop living until the goal is achieved. I’ll continue living in the moment, appreciating where I am and knowing I’ll eventually achieve it. Sometimes, we get caught up in what’s missing rather than what’s here, right now in front of us.

With that, I say cheers to Christmas 2022 knowing that it can be an especially difficult time for many people for various reasons, including the loss of loved ones and loneliness. Give the gift of kindness, grace, and love to others and especially yourself this season and every day.

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Health wins

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Last week, I had my biannual visit with my oncologist. I’ve been seeing him since I was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago. Though no one wants to ever they have cancer, one of the things I’ve appreciated is that in all my experience as the recipient of medical care, those who work in cancer treatment are especially more compassionate. I could be biased, but these professionals take extra care of the person.

What I love about my visits with my oncologist is that he consistently makes me feel like I’m doing something right. I think we all could use more of that. For each visit, I get bloodwork drawn after check-in…before I see the doctor. By the time I see him, he mostly has everything he needs to know from the bloodwork and vitals. But then there is also the qualitative data that he obtains from talking to me about how I’ve been.

Overall, my bloodwork is remarkable again…”all between the lines,” as he likes to say. The results of the cancer markers came a few days later, and all were normal. No one has ever described my bones the way he has (October was the first time I’ve done the bone density exam). He said my bones were strong (along with some other flourishing words of which I don’t remember). My mammogram was also clear. Win!!!

In June, he changed my cancer medication to accommodate my now post-menopausal body. It wasn’t long before I could tell body has been more achey and stiff. I’ve attempted to do more stretching to relieve it, but it’s the medication. I have a friend who has been taking it for years, and she has the same symptoms if not worse. However, her doctor hasn’t taken her off of it.

This medication is important, particularly because the type of breast cancer my friend and I had is fueled by hormones (estrogen and progesterone). The body still produces hormones after menopause. I told him about my painful symptoms and he listened. We discussed some options. He prescribed a different medication, which I haven’t picked up from the pharmacy yet. This is another win for me.

The light lesson for this post is to celebrate the wins no matter how small, big, or routine. As a high achieving person, I’m usually looking for ways to do more and be more, but I’m learning to be in the moment and appreciate this journey. These health wins remind me God has my back and I’m alright.

Cheers to this new week! Christmas is in 7 more days!

“Oh Christmas tree” decorated by me!
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Bye COVID and Hello new week

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One of my fears came and went…I caught COVID. If you read my previous post I tested positive, you’ll know my symptoms were mostly mild except for one day. Things could have been much worse. Thankfully, I was vaccinated and received a pneumonia and flu shot in September; otherwise, my symptoms might have been worse. Even though I believe my son had COVID and brought it to our household, I admit that just like many people, my guard was down for a while. I never got the COVID boosters. I don’t remember the last time I wore a mask, but I’ve been wearing them for the past two weeks. My husband, Bryan (aka cuddle buddy) finally came back to our bedroom last night. It was difficult to fall asleep because I worried about infecting him though my symptoms subsided and it’s been over 10 days.

It feels great to be headache and congestion free. My taste buds returned. The general malaise feeling is gone. I’m at about 90% of myself. I enjoyed one hour of dance earlier today and made a big pot of sausage and shrimp gumbo. We attended an outside concert at church of Christmas music by an amazingly talented group. This definitely got me in the Christmas spirit. I’m looking forward to feeling even better tomorrow.

Voices of Lee from Lee University at Life Austin Amphitheatre

What light lessons did I learn from this COVID experience? Well, you’ve got to still be careful. It’s important to continue to practice proper hygiene. Respiratory illnesses like the cold, flu, and COVID have increased, particularly after the Thanksgiving holiday. It makes sense to wear masks again to protect yourself and your family. I was fortunate this time. I don’t want to pass the virus on to anyone, especially anyone with a weaker immune system than my own.

When I think about my life, I’ve survived many things I thought would take me out: breast cancer, death of both parents, lots of disappointments, and now COVID. My 2022-2023 motto is to just KEEP GOING. Life happens and it’s not always sad and depressing or happy and fun. It ebbs and flows. There are a multitude of emotions and experiences. I can do things through Christ that strengthens me. I get stronger and more resilient each time.

Despite COVID, I’ve been very productive at work these past 2 weeks and I plan to continue for the new week. I’m looking forward to seeing my colleagues and team for a section-wide, in-person meeting. Most staff in our section teleworks so we haven’t had a large group meeting like this since before COVID. My boss also coordinated an in-person team building exercise for his direct reports and it sounds fun. To end the week, I will have lunch with my team on Friday. I will be masking up for all of this.

I’m entering this new week grateful for the people in my life, knowing I’m equipped to handle most anything, and confidence in my ability to effect positive change and make a positive difference in someone’s life.

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I tested positive

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An office photo on Thursday, 12/1. My thoughts, “Oy vey!”

The week before last, I was basking in a Thanksgiving stupor of love and good cheer with family and friends. A few days later, on Monday, I woke up with a faint, dull headache. I was scheduled off work, but decided to catch up from the holiday. I work from home anyway, so no big deal.

About 7 hours later, I felt something building up in my respiratory system and decided to call it a day. My husband, Bryan, had been feeling sick since Sunday. I went to bed early and actually got 9+ hours of sleep. I worked again on Tuesday, but only about 6 hours. Good thing I stocked up on over the counter medications because I decided to take a dose of a generic Nyquil. A COVID-19 test reported a negative result. But things got really interesting early Wednesday morning.

Rewind to the Monday before Thanksgiving. It was my first time attending an in-person, all day conference in almost 3 years. It was a leadership conference at a hotel, targeted for women in Texas state government. I was so excited to be around so many other influential women and practice some of what I learned with my team. On Tuesday, I worked and at some point at the start of my day, my son, Caleb, asked me to help him find the thermometer because he was feeling sick. He said he had been coughing all night and didn’t feel well. I told him to mask up until his symptoms subsided. He had a slight fever and against my advise, decided to go to work. He said he had to go because other people were calling in sick.

A few hours later, I heard Caleb’s voice and learned from Bryan that Caleb’s boss sent him home. We reminded him to wear masks around us and he went on to stay in his room the rest of that day. It was the next day, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, while I was in the grocery store stocking up on medications I thought to call Caleb to tell him to take a COVID-19 test. Admittedly, it didn’t occur to me to ask him to test until I was talking to a friend. When I got home, he said he took it and the result was negative.

On the following Wednesday after Thanksgiving, I was awakened to uncontrollable chills, weakness in my joints, and a pounding headache. I could barely lift myself off the toilet when I went to the restroom. I decided not to work though I signed into my laptop for a few minutes to notify my boss and team I would be out sick. I stayed in bed the whole day, napping mostly in the morning. The chills only occurred one time in the early morning. The headache refused to subside until hours later, even despite medications. The weakness steadily improved.

I woke up groggy Thursday morning, but felt much better than Wednesday. My nose was stuffy and generally felt like I had a cold. After texting with my siblings and learning two of my nieces, my great niece, and my brother in law in Chicago tested positive, I decided to do the COVID-19 test again and WHOILA! The result was positive. Since my symptoms felt more like a cold, I proceeded to work in my office for most of the day. I went to bed early and did it again on Friday.

Both Bryan and Caleb took the test (Caleb twice) and their results were negative. I’m doubtful I’m the only one in the house who has/had COVID-19 and am convinced Caleb brought it in the house. However, I had been out in public a few days before Thanksgiving too. I let our friends know so they could be aware. And actually, the Friday after Thanksgiving my friend let me know her husband was sick, but with none of the symptoms we ended up having. Our symptoms didn’t start until days later. I’ve been quarantining since the positive result last Thursday and have since taken two more tests, both were positive.

My natural instinct is to try to figure out how I got it, but it really doesn’t matter. My main concern now is recovering and making sure I don’t pass this on so we are not playing a game of hot potato with this virus. Bryan has been sleeping on the couch which has been the hardest because we are each other’s cuddle buddy. It feels weird being separate in the same house. Elise doesn’t come near me. She’s been masking up in the house and walks around with disinfectant wipes. Caleb has a lingering cough and is the most reckless among us. We told him he needs to go to a drive through clinic tomorrow.

For the past almost 3 years, I’ve wondered if the fate of most would be to eventually catch the virus. Now that I got it, I do think it’s a bummer especially not knowing the long term effects considering my medical history. However, I’m thankful my symptoms are mild, which I attribute to the vaccines. My doctor also gave me a pneumonia and flu shot in September. It all helps.

In the mean time, I will retire to bed early tonight. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Let me know if you or someone you know had the virus and what the symptoms were like.

Bryan being the trooper that he is! Nights without my cuddle buddy is the worst.

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Silver Fox Anniversary

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In September, Bryan and I celebrated a HUGE milestone – 25 years of marriage. Neither of us “feel like” it’s been that long, so we believe that’s a good sign. Unfortunately, my mother in law passed away a few days before our anniversary, so we didn’t get to celebrate as we had hoped. However, I’ve spent some time reflecting on how grateful I am for our union. To have a life partner who you love and respect and who is your rock is a beautiful thing. After all these years, I still get excited to hear his voice and I nearly swooned when he recently told me I’m his soul mate.

Marriage is an incredible amount of inner and outer work.

In honor of our silver anniversary, in this post I will share 25 nuggets I’ve learned about marriage, of which I wrote in my journal. These nuggets are meant to be short and real. This is not an exhaustive list. This list isn’t in any particular order. I didn’t identify these particular nuggets to boast about how we’ve mastered them. Marriage is a lot of work and there are nuggets we’re actively working on. I may expand on some of these nuggets in future posts.

  1. Discuss, plan, and execute the vision of your lives together. Revisit as often as necessary.
  2. You make the commitment to be married daily, not just on the wedding day.
  3. You choose to love every day, every minute.
  4. You must be intentional about your actions.
  5. You must apologize as often as necessary.
  6. You must decide if you want to be right or want peace.
  7. Compromise, compromise, compromise.
  8. Sex keeps you connected.
  9. See things from your partner’s perspective sometimes.
  10. Hold each other accountable, but extend grace often.
  11. Seek to understand, not to be right.
  12. Each person will change and evolve over time, over and again, but the core of who you fell in love with is still there.
  13. Celebrate all the wins, big and small.
  14. Don’t take each other for granted.
  15. Even in seasons where small children (or children with disabilities) take priority, nurture your marriage.
  16. Your are each other’s best friend.
  17. Do simple and kind gestures to show your partner you care. Learn their love language.
  18. Plan and review finances together.
  19. Accept your partner for who they are.
  20. Discuss marital problems only with each other, a therapist, and/or your pastor.
  21. Speak highly of your partner to others.
  22. Pray for your marriage.
  23. Pray for your sex life.
  24. Make time for sex.
  25. Make time to spend time together.

What did I miss? I’m sure a lot. The thing about this list is that we may have mastered some nuggets at certain points in our lives, but may need to work on them again in another circumstance. As a gardener, I see marriage as a constant tending to, refining, fertilizing, and pruning. Life is not linear and perfect. It’s messy, unscripted, painful, joyful, and all consuming. At least mine is. Until next time.

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11-Month Post Surgery Update

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The holiday season is upon us and before the year ends in a blur, I’m doing some self-reflection. There’s something to be said for memorializing one’s life. I gained a new appreciation for maintaining my blog while watching a youtuber passionately explain how important it is for everyone to document their lives in some way so as not to forget and to get the lessons. I wholeheartedly believe this. Not long ago, I was rereading my previous posts and in Take a leap, which I wrote as a mid-year reflection, I reminded myself of my “whys” and to keep going. My past me reminded the present (at the time) me of what the future me needed to do. A couple of months ago while in Chicago, my niece and I got on the topic of my blog and that conversation encouraged me to keep it going. So here I am again.

At the beginning of 2022, I was optimistic about my hysterectomy recovery. It feels like so long ago with all that’s happened this year. In my post Feeding my soul: 6 months post surgery, I shared some updates on my progress. I will keep the same format in this post by focusing on my surgical recovery, menopause symptoms, and general health.

Surgical recovery – In January, my gynecologist completed a laparoscopic hysterectomy with oophorectomy (ovary removal) on my body. My uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and ovaries were removed. Translation: I no longer have these organs in my body. In the months leading up to the surgery, I thoroughly (so I thought) researched the procedure, but after the fact, I’m still learning about the implications of the surgery. The main takeaways are that I’ve healed well internally and the scaring from the 4 incisions are fading. However, I didn’t fully conceptualize how my body would adjust to the missing organs. Let that sink in. I do have more lower back pain than anticipated, especially within a few months post surgery. I didn’t realize my uterus and ovaries were supporting my frame and lower back. I’m more mindful about not overdoing it with exercise and other activities. That’s not to say I don’t overdo it sometimes, because I definitely do. However, I make it a point to soak in the tub and allow myself some extra rest whenever my lower back does hurt.

Menopause symptoms – Not much has changed here. I do get hot flashes throughout the day, but I still think they are manageable. I’ve learned to dress in layers and I keep a fan near me or on as much as possible. My husband, Bryan, says the ceiling fan irritates his sinuses so he’ll turn them all off. I have to gently remind him my body NEEDS the fan. But I do have a general sensitivity to being too hot or too cold, so sometimes a fan is too much. I’ve experienced cloudy thinking for years and what’s helped this last year is drinking an expresso or cappuccino a few times a week. In my research on the best foods for women during menopause, I learned that expressos are beneficial to women in menopause due to the antioxidants. I find that drinking one during the work day keeps me alert and more focused. Who knew that it wouldn’t be until I reached my late forties I would gain an appreciation for a form of coffee? I’ve spent practically my whole adult life not liking or drinking coffee at all. But there is a difference between coffee and expresso and my taste buds and body prefers the later. I enjoy them a few days a week because I’ve also noticed too much caffeine can ignite the dreaded hot flashes. I would probably drink more if I didn’t forget to make them by 2pm. My rule is if I don’t drink it by 2pm, then I’ll forego because I don’t want the caffeine to interfere with my sleep.

General Health – In the summer and fall, I’ve met with my oncologist, primary care physician (PCP), pulmonologist, and neurologist. That’s a lot of specialists for this little ole body. Overall, from an oncology and general medicine standpoint, I’m healthy. My blood work is impressive – all “between the lines”, as my oncologist would say. However, I’ve gained a new diagnosis – asthma and there is an outstanding issue that seems to be a residual consequence of the surgery (occasional stuttering) that needs to be addressed….hence the neurologist. I will have an MRI in a couple of weeks. Also, I’ve gained 10 pounds since the surgery. I’m not happy about it, but I know it’s a consequence of the hysterectomy. My PCP thinks my metabolism is low and she’s probably right. I’ve been working on extending myself some extra grace and have been intentional about focusing on other markers of health. I still continue to eat healthy, watch my portions, exercise 5-6 days a week (dance, yoga, HIIT, weights, stretch), and educate myself on what the right formula is for me. I refuse to give up, and though I could, I don’t want to engage in any extreme tactics. One thing I do not have under control and what I’ve been struggling with for years is the sleep. Perhaps that is the secret sauce that may help my hormones. I have developed a lovely nightly bed time routine, which includes filling my scented oil diffusers, lighting a candle, listening to music (Neo-Soul or meditation mostly), pampering my face, showering or bathing, and putting on one of my favorite lotions. Also, a big change is once I sleep, I tend to stay asleep (except for going to the restroom to pee); whereas in the past, I used to awaken in the middle of the night ruminating about things like work.

Overall – My body is adjusting and I’m still learning what will work best to keep me functioning at optimal levels. The surgery was the right choice for me. And as a 49-year old woman with no period, I have to say it’s quite empowering. I didn’t realize how much planning for, being on, and caring for my period occupied so much of my life. Now, I have other things to occupy my time. Additionally, I’ve been undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts. I suppose this is common in mid-life. Despite no longer having a uterus which is the epicenter of creativity, my creative juices have been flowing. More to come on that.